Diary of a madwoman, midweek edition

Today is Wednesday. I had a bikini wax after work and then I went to the art gallery because it’s free on Wednesday nights and it wasn’t as full as I expected. I got lost as I do everywhere but I think that’s okay in a gallery because nobody notices you stopping and staring at the gallery map. A guy asked me what piece of aboriginal art I would take home if I could take anything and I had to admit that I didn’t know, I wasn’t looking at them properly. He hassled me for only glancing at the artwork and I think he was trying to pick me up but I got bored and said a polite goodbye. I wondered if perhaps people come to galleries to pick other people up and then I thought if people do that in the supermarket on Tuesday nights or whatever with a bunch of bananas in the trolley to show they’re single then yeah they probably do here too.

I walked home and a drunk guy dressed in black with his pants hanging really low so I could see his black knickers said that people with red hair are evil right as I was walking past. I smiled because it was funny and the fairy goth girl riding a bike slowly next to him saw me smile and she said I think they are cute, so I guess that balances things out. I looked down at my shirt and noticed my button was undone and also noticed that I’ve lost a bit of weight recently but I think it’s mostly from my boobs and my bra doesn’t fit as well and that sucks.

When I got home I went downstairs and saw a giant spider and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to make my dinner even though I was really hungry because I had to deal with him first. And by deal with I mean trap and free because my house is a no-kill zone except for mosquitos because they just want to suck your blood and that’s pretty unfriendly. And fruit flies too when they get out of control in summer which has already started happening and soon I will have to set up a vinegar trap.

This is what I was like except as IF I would just use my hand to cover the glass. That kid is crazy.

This is what I was like except AS IF I would just use my hand to cover the glass. That kid is crazy.

The spider sat very still for ages but I waited it out and eventually he moved and I could not believe how fast he scuttled across the floor and it made me feel ill. I had to move really quickly and he kept dodging the glass and then I nearly lost him when he made a dash for the wardrobe but in a panic I just threw the glass down and thank god it landed over him. I actually squealed out loud and waved my hands around like a crazy person because the whole process was pretty terrifying and I’m basically super afraid of spiders.

I moved to my bed for a lie-down to recover and then I watched him from a safe distance. He did circuits around the perimeter of the glass over and over and I could tell he was angry and that made me feel bad. He kept trying to climb the walls of the glass but he couldn’t, he kept slipping and I wondered if he was freaking out, like he was thinking this is the worst day ever and I wanted to tell him to calm down and relax because I was going to free him, just as soon as I calmed down and relaxed and found a piece of cardboard sturdy enough to slip under the glass when I picked it up.

I went upstairs and found something thick enough and the only thing thick enough was a brochure from the Buddhist temple I’ve been to recently and then I thought maybe that’s appropriate, because the Buddhists would probably approve of my not killing him. I took him outside and I was scared that I would drop the glass and he would run at me and seek revenge for trapping him but I made it out okay. I walked him over to the next-door neighbour’s garden and I hoped they didn’t see me because it would be hard to explain and they might think it was rude to offload my house spider at their place. When I freed the spider I really hoped he wouldn’t turn and come straight for me but then he went the opposite way and I was relieved except he headed onto the road and then some cars came and I really hope he made it.

When I got back inside I finally made my dinner which was baked beans on toast and as I was pouring the beans from the can I wondered if it was one serving or two but it was hard to tell so I dumped it all in the pot. Once the beans were ready I started spooning them onto the toast and then I saw that there were definitely two servings in the can and that meant I could save half and have them for dinner tomorrow night, and that’s when I realised that yes, I am living the dream.

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2 Responses to Diary of a madwoman, midweek edition

  1. Carol says:

    I do that screaming arm waving thing when dealing with spiders too (and I deal with them the same way). It’s totally involuntary. I really liked the story of your day.

    • Hi Carol, glad to hear I’m not alone! I think I’m getting better at spider removal, though when I see a big one like last night I revert to my shrieking child state. Thanks for reading 🙂

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