SkyMall: The weird and the wonderful

On my flight down to the States, I was somewhat horrified to experience the latest level of airline cutbacks. This time last year I didn’t have to pay to check in my bag, and the in-flight entertainment on offer didn’t cost, either. Ah, the good old days of a mere 12 months ago! Needless to say, I was not going to fork out six bucks to watch some crappy telly for two hours, so I was pleasantly surprised to find a much more exciting form of time-wasting.

Behold: SkyMall, mighty mall of the sky! Moments after picking up the dog-eared copy from inside my seat pocket, I was lost in a frenzy of catalogue heaven and the hours just whizzed by. I spotted some real doozies in that mag, and though it’s hard to choose favourites, here are my top six picks from the delightful madness that is SkyMall.

Okay, yeah, it’s a pretty snazzy sneaker with its Stabilizing Cage, VersoShock™ Trampoline and AVS³ Ventilation Port — you know, all the usual things you’d expect in a shoe — but what’s got me really excited is that fantastic little logo on the side. Do you see it? Do you? IT’S A SPERM. ON YOUR SNEAKER. I’m sorry, that’s “Seed of Life”. And why is it on your shoe? “Because it’s cool!” says the ad. Hey, no argument here. I just can’t wait to see Grandma donning a pair for her wisewalking group. That’ll get the gals talking!

I think Helpy™ might be my favourite. Because, first of all, Helpy? Damn that’s a cute name. I might have come up with something similar when I was five. Mind you, how else can you jazz up a product that is essentially a harness akin to that which you might strap on a misbehaving toddler. Because there’s also something a bit sinister going on here. Just who is in control? Are you pulling your suitcase, or is it pushing you?

There’s really nothing amazing about this product, I just particularly appreciate the placement of the pocket on the Men’s Wrap. What a thoughtful addition. Do you think he’s reaching for his keys?

You know when you’ve got that one person who’s really hard to shop for? The one you’d normally just buy a scratchie and Terry’s Chocolate Orange? Well now you’re covered, my friend. Just watch their expression when they tear off the giftwrap to reveal their very own Dog Dazer. What, don’t believe me? “Makes a Great Gift!” promises SkyMall. Although, you might want to consider upgrading to the Dog-Off Deluxe, so your friend can scare away killer dogs and “potential human attackers”, which, really, is just sensible thinking.

Sometimes when I indulge in my lottery fantasy, after I’ve mentally spent my millions on houses, cars and holidays, I get to the really fun stuff. The crap I’d buy simply because I could. I might start with the “Mademoiselle Haute Couture” Floor Lamp statue — and what a classy lady she is, from her “black faux leather finish” to her … lampshade for a head. Plonk her in your lounge and wait to see who out of your friends is too polite to tell you what bad taste you have.

Continuing in the lottery fantasy theme, I just couldn’t overlook this artful Easter Island Monolith — six feet of pure subtlety. But don’t just haul old “Ahu Akivi Moai” out for your next luau party, as SkyMall suggests. Oh no, this baby’s a year-round kind of piece. Better yet, buy one for a loved one. Nothing says “I’m thinking of you” like a surprise giant head by the mailbox.

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